My dad let both my big brother and I share a short something in my mama’s honor before he gave the eulogy at her memorial service. My brother told a great story– he has an awesome gift of being able to make people laugh, insanely, despite life’s darkest moments– it moved the audience and also, of course, had them chuckling. The big guy, who’s now a software developer by day and stand-up comedian by night, credited my mama for buying him his first comedy magazine, Mad Magazine. He was home sick one day as a kid and she returned home from errands with medicine, soup and the magazine that sparked his love for comedy. She rocked at the doin’ the mom thang. I chose to read a part of a script from my mama and I’s favorite TV show, Gilmore Girls. Weird… I know. It was a segment from the speech given by the daughter, Rory, at her character’s high school graduation. And, it perfectly describes my mom. I’d used it before in tons of captions for pictures of us on Facebook and Instagram.
It felt right to read this in front of a church full of people who knew and loved my mama.
“But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my initials and my life’s blood, Susan Maynard Doan. My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn’t do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Carole King. As she guided me through these incredible twenty-four years, I don’t know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her. Thank you, Mom: you are my guidepost for everything.”
You’re probably thinking AS IF right now, but before you roll your eyes and click away, I actually have 20 very legitimate reasons! So, in honor of the 20-year anniversary of the way awesomest, totally best movie ever, here’s some like very solid reasons as to why I really, totally am the real-life Cher Horowitz! Just listen, okay?
1. Well, we both have blonde hair.
2. Unfortunately, we’re also both in the dead mom club.
3. I’m also half-Jewish, but to be fair I’m pretty sure Cher gets her jewish heritage from her dad’s side where as mine comes from my mama’s side. BUT STILL, it’s totally NOT way common or anything!
4. I also was super head-over-heels in love with a super cute guy in high school who turned out to be gay, which I was totally soclueless about. He was the lead in all the school musicals, had the nicest group of girl friends to hangout with, and was the star of our high school choir. I could not for the life of me figure out why he wasn’t way into me. I was sure my hair had fallen flat or something. But then, in college he started wearing way tighter pants and came out to the public.
5. I didn’t drive a jeep, so I can see why I like totally lose points for this one, but I was a terrible driver and DID FAIL my first driving test. But luckily, while wearing my most serious-looking outfit, I eventually passed (third times a charm, #amIright?!) and got to buzz around town w/ my besties in my Harvest Moon colored VW bug.
6. I also had my car before I had my real driver’s license. It was actually my boyfriend who took me out for driving lessons most of the time… which might explain why it took me a couple times to pass my driving test.
7. When I feel, “impotent and out of control, which I really HATE!” I head to the mall and do some major shopping… I guess you can say I totally shop my feelings.
8. I am a major Jane Austen fan– seriously! I did a book report in the fourth grade on my long-time favorite novel, Pride and Prejudice… it was a really good school.
9. I was ALWAYS TRYING and sometimes even totally succeeding in giving my friends makeovers… and yet, I still, for some reason, had friends believe it or not! (Oppsies! Sorry, guys!)
10. Whenever I see people with their legs crossed toward each other I always, always, think about how that’s an unequivocal sex invite.
11. I really did (and still do!) want to be 5’10 like Cindy Crawford. I’m still hoping.
12. Lots of people at my dad’s company (he just retired recently) were super afraid of him. My guy friends working in his stores would tell me about how even their managers would run and hide in the back when he walked into their stores… but, like Cher’s dad, he totally continues to argue with me for free, even into his retirement!
13. I wore high heels allllll four years of high school, and to this day, my bestie will NEVER LET ME LIVE THAT FACT DOWN… I even had two pairs of the same style but different colors so I could wear one of each on spirit days. It totally rocked… (please disregard ANYTHING my bestie has to say in regard to this!)
14. I waited til I was 16, like Cher, to have my first kiss from my very first real boyfriend… I had to make sure he was perfect, duh!
15. I wasn’t robbed at gunpoint or anything but one time someone hacked my debit card, which can be just as scary really if you think about it. Like, the NERVE! Luckily, thanks to my dad’s super secure bank, I was able to be like AS IF credit card frauds and totally get my money back! Crisis averted.
16. For better or for worse, I love crop tops.
17. I never argued or pleaded for better grades in high school… BUT I did enter a plead bargain to graduate and receive my college degree, which is kind of like a huge deal. I was failing Comm Law for like the second time, and so, I had to go in the day before graduation and beg my teacher to bump up the grade on a late paper so I could graduate. In my defense, you had to have like a C or above to get credit for the class! And I’d tried super hard but I can’t help it if media laws just aren’t my thing?! You know?! Luckily, she totally took pity on me, and let me pass so I could start at my new job the following Monday.
18. I am like a totalmatchmaker… In fact, one of my very best friends from college is now engaged to the absolute best guy because I pushed her (on purpose, duh) into him at a bar. He offered to buy her a drink and the rest is total, romcom-worthy history!
19. I had a dress copycat incident, too… but at prom. I just really can’t even talk about it, still, years later…
20. Finally, in case you can’t tell by reading through this list of ridiculous and totally silly reasons: I’m still a little bit Clueless. (But aren’t we all!?)