Yesterday marked 3-months since my mama left this carnival we call life. I want to share what it was like being with her that day, but I’m not ready yet. My mind is still a little foggy from grief and is like, WOAH. HOLD your horses, COWGIRL and chill a little while we compartmentalize our shit.
Instead, I will inspire you and impact your life in a GREAT WAY. Yes, GREAT WAY.
I am your new life coach. I’ll start by giving you a list of ten things to eradicate from your life in order to: live better. Yes, liveeee better. Did you know you were being alive wrong? You’re welcome. Send all checks to my P.O. box.
Here are 10 things that are absolutely USELESS in this life:
1. Fabric furniture. More specifically, coffee tables made of fabric. My mom and I bought a fabric coffee table for my couch at TJ Maxx— and we were so excited! The couch, too! It really wanted one. But as warm as this sentimental Maxxinista memory is to me, it is fucking ridiculous to construct a TABLE out of CLOTH. You cannot set your drink down, i.e. coffee on cloth is a don’t. It will fall and spill. You can’t eat takeout on it, either. Your strawberry milkshake will topple over and that will mean your milkshake brings all the bugs (and mice) to the yard. A cloth coffee table is essentially unusable unless you place a nice tray on top, but even then, it will sag, and then sink into your furniture. Meaning, your coffee table drinks all your coffee and you finally understand why it’s called a coffee table.
2. Non-strechy pants. Let’s all be open w/ one another and admit wearing anything other than yoga pants and leggings sucks the life out of our souls. Plus, it’s really not comfy.
3. I’m going to suggest eradicating dresses too. Although, technically, a dress is comfier than non-strechy pants, I don’t like wearing underwear. I have enough to worry about without adding “flashing people” to the list.
4. Friends that we don’t like. I’ve been thinking a lot about this after reading something on GQ the other day. It was really about whether or not more sex makes for happier couples, interesting. But the part I keep thinking about is when the writer goes about that friend we all have and we don’t like, (she named hers Jenna.) I don’t have a friend named Jenna and I also don’t have that friend, who I don’t like or speak well of either. because Why would I make friends AND also share details about my sex life with someone I don’t respect? Everybody has flaws, (I’m a collector of many), but I love my friends. I love raving on and on about how ammmmmazzaaazzing my v. different, but v. great, GFs are! It’s annoying. But I wouldn’t be okay w/ my friends talking shit about me for this or that and I don’t think they’d like it, either. Good friends like you for you despite you. And if not, maybe we just shouldn’t be friends. Fine then, loser. Your mom. Whatever. Wait, did I just lose all my friends? (That I made up.)
5. Cats. American should be forced by the government to give up their cats. I would be v. sad, of course. So sad, not having my cat around at all times of day and night… watching me, waiting. But as a law a-bidding citizen, I understand. I’ll start getting her things ready.
6. Floppy hats. WTF do you need that funny floppy hat for? Every girl in Soho. It’s factually impossible to buy foundation, face lotion or BB cream without built-in SPF. So, your hat is redundant if it’s being worn to protect your face from skin cancer, and it’s just redundant.
7. OMG, COINS… as in loose change. You know the fuckers: pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, the BIGGER quarters w/ the picture of an old lady and the golden pirates booty lookin’ quarters w/ the other lady. These villains roam loosely along our sidewalks, as well as, on the insides of washing machines and the noses of toddlers. They hide between paper bills handed back to us when we pay in cash (fools)… only to fall everywhere possible. And, these lowlifes, called coins, live rent-free in every pocket of every purse hanging in my closet. Nobody likes using them. We all just dump ’em in the tip jars at Starbucks, anyways.
8. Cancer and all other diseases. All bad stuff in general should go, Mondays included.
10. The amount of time (if any) you have now spent reading this list— ha! It’s gone, sucker. Hopefully you enjoyed reading, otherwise that sucks, and you obviously did not do a good job at reading it because you didn’t pay attention to #8 on the list. AKA, no more bad stuff.
I hope you see fast, positive changes erupting from within, like gooey, chocolate lava cake, thanks to MY coaching. If not, please do not beat me up or troll me on Twitter. Maybe instead, you can look inward, right down to your chocolate lava core, for a second and realize no one can 100% tell anyone how “to live better” because what the hell does that even mean, anyways? It’s YOUR call how you live this carnival called life, for better or for worse.
P.S. I need chocolate lava cake, now. I also want to live the carnival life.